mstakenidentity (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mstakenidentity) wrote2008-10-28 09:33 am
mstakenidentity) wrote2008-10-28 09:33 am
Rant
A recent post by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vox_diabolica reminded me that I'd promised deathbyshinies I'd post this rant I wrote awhile ago somewhere she could link to. It is directed at men. Not all men, but unfortunately more than I'd like.
As a preemtive strike I'll add the following: Yes, I know women can do this to men too, yes, I know sometimes men are made uncomfortable by both women and other men, yes I know women sometimes make other women uncomfortable. That is not what this rant is about, if you've been made uncomfortable in this way you are more than welcome to write your own rant which I'll read with interest. I do highly doubt that this sort of thing happens as often in the above situations, but I recognise that it does happen. This is my own personal rant about what was/is bothering me.
Now, the rant:
When a girl or woman tells you that something you are doing, whether physically or verbally, is making her uncomfortable, your first reaction should be to STOP what you're doing and apologise for making said girl or woman uncomfortable, THEN if it's not obvious to you you can politely check what boundary you crossed and get clarification if needed so you don't do it again. Your first reaction should NOT be to
A. tell the girl that you aren't making her uncomfortable (because you'd know better than her...)
B. tell the girl she's being stupid or over-reacting and what you're doing should be fine to any normal person
C. get angry, defensive and sulky
D. behave as if the girl just called you a rapist and launch into a diatribe about how you're a Nice Guy and she's really hurt your feeling now, poor little inoffensive you or
E. make her feel in any way at fault.
I really think a lot of genuinly good blokes do this without realising it, and are quite horrified when it's pointed out (if they're adult enough to take the critisism on board and see the truth in it) that they've done something like that in the past, or that they'd have unthinkingly done that in the future had it not been pointed out to them. I have no problem personally with my being uncomfortable providing a point for a discussion on boundaries (though I can see why other women would), but I damn well want my boundaries respected first, before I enter that discussion, and I don't want someone to try to make me feel "wrong" for having my boundaries where they are just so they don't have to examine their own male privelege.
I understand accidentally overstepping boundaries, like maybe not realising a female friend wouldn't want to be hugged, or that someone might be made uncomfortable by a sexual joke, or that while your partner doesn't mind being groped in private she's unhappy with the same done in a public place- all these situations where you might easily misread signals. That does not make me angry. What makes me angry is when after having been informed you've misread the signals you try to assuage the guilt I'm sure you actually feel by turning it back on the person whose space you just violated. Fuck that, say sorry!
/rant
vox_diabolica reminded me that I'd promised deathbyshinies I'd post this rant I wrote awhile ago somewhere she could link to. It is directed at men. Not all men, but unfortunately more than I'd like. As a preemtive strike I'll add the following: Yes, I know women can do this to men too, yes, I know sometimes men are made uncomfortable by both women and other men, yes I know women sometimes make other women uncomfortable. That is not what this rant is about, if you've been made uncomfortable in this way you are more than welcome to write your own rant which I'll read with interest. I do highly doubt that this sort of thing happens as often in the above situations, but I recognise that it does happen. This is my own personal rant about what was/is bothering me.
Now, the rant:
When a girl or woman tells you that something you are doing, whether physically or verbally, is making her uncomfortable, your first reaction should be to STOP what you're doing and apologise for making said girl or woman uncomfortable, THEN if it's not obvious to you you can politely check what boundary you crossed and get clarification if needed so you don't do it again. Your first reaction should NOT be to
A. tell the girl that you aren't making her uncomfortable (because you'd know better than her...)
B. tell the girl she's being stupid or over-reacting and what you're doing should be fine to any normal person
C. get angry, defensive and sulky
D. behave as if the girl just called you a rapist and launch into a diatribe about how you're a Nice Guy and she's really hurt your feeling now, poor little inoffensive you or
E. make her feel in any way at fault.
I really think a lot of genuinly good blokes do this without realising it, and are quite horrified when it's pointed out (if they're adult enough to take the critisism on board and see the truth in it) that they've done something like that in the past, or that they'd have unthinkingly done that in the future had it not been pointed out to them. I have no problem personally with my being uncomfortable providing a point for a discussion on boundaries (though I can see why other women would), but I damn well want my boundaries respected first, before I enter that discussion, and I don't want someone to try to make me feel "wrong" for having my boundaries where they are just so they don't have to examine their own male privelege.
I understand accidentally overstepping boundaries, like maybe not realising a female friend wouldn't want to be hugged, or that someone might be made uncomfortable by a sexual joke, or that while your partner doesn't mind being groped in private she's unhappy with the same done in a public place- all these situations where you might easily misread signals. That does not make me angry. What makes me angry is when after having been informed you've misread the signals you try to assuage the guilt I'm sure you actually feel by turning it back on the person whose space you just violated. Fuck that, say sorry!
/rant
no subject
In danger of sounding like a bit of a hypocrite, I do know blokes who would do this and then say "fucking uptight bitch" or something along those lines (when said "uptight bitch" was out of earshot, of course). Some people just have no clue.
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But yes - "Snap". Sometimes when it comes to this sort of behaviour you can't seem to win for losing.
And I hate that the first response to telling someone you're upset is often "That's stupid, you shouldn't be upset," rather than, "Let's sit down and work out why you're upset, and THEN decide if I'm wrong or you're overreacting or maybe a little of both..."
...because being made to feel stupid for being upset is, well, upsetting...
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If that wasn't bad enough, when I told my closest friends, they reacted in the ways you gave too.
As a result I had a nervous breakdown.
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Personally, I would call it a good message for people in general. But please don't take that as me trying to pick a fight - in the end we want the same things and just come at it from a different angle.
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