Little bit cryptic, but not very.
Oct. 27th, 2008 11:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mstakenidentityThis struck a chord:
I was such a soft touch
You solved your problems with a pout
I’ll never forget you
Or let you back inside my house.
You misread me.
-Bookmark The Guild League
I suppose it can’t be helped. I’ll always remember your birthday, because it is exactly two weeks before mine.
What I would give you if I could: a sense of worth (both your own and other people’s), a sense of proportion, a sense of duty, a sense of dignity, a sense of shame, a wish for fulfilment, a wish for help, the ability to ask for the help you actually need as opposed to the help you want, a wish to compensate for the pain you caused, the ability to recognise the pain you caused, the ability to live your actual life as opposed to the fantasy life in your head, courage.
The more I think about life the more I’m convinced that this is it, as far as this plane of consciousness goes. I don’t think there is reincarnation, or if so not in the straightforward form usually thought of, rather more a gathering of conscious into a life, not always exactly the same conscious that may have previously made up a life. Nor do I think we retain this level of consiousness in any afterlife that may exist, I'm not sure whether consiousness increases or decreases or does something completley different, but I can't see how it could stay the same. Anyway, I digress (I’m good at that). My point is, if this is all there is on this level, you are squandering your time. Instead of making this life the most beautiful and exquisite you could for yourself and for your fellow humans you are ripping it down, locking yourself in a cage and watching jealously those with the courage to walk free. Your jealousy means that if it's in your power you try to rip down not only your own life but the lives of those who come in contact with you. Because you refuse to leave your cage you don’t gain what those outside cages gain; the ability to achieve fulfilment. You think it provides protection when it actually locks you into your own personal hell and makes it easier for your nightmares of being alone and unattended and unwanted to get in. You have the ultimate fear of failure that stops you trying so you can say that had you tried you would have succeeded, you fear failing at life.
I hope you’ve quit smoking.
I hope you’ve cut down on drinking.
I hope you’ve stopped eating so much junk food.
I hope you’re getting more exercise.
I hope you’ve faced up to your actions.
I hope you’re currently working to repay at least the financial pain you caused.
While I hope this I can see you in my mind, on your verandah, a cigarette in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, some chips or pies on the table, in a comfortable chair, loudly denouncing me and those I love to whoever it is you’ve currently managed to con. Either that or you’ve moved on to another imaginary crisis you’re using to make your “friend” stay loyal, because deep down you fear that without your imaginary crises you just don’t have the skills any longer to hold someone’s interest in a friendship. They’re probably sitting there quite uncomfortable, and if you’ve had them in your clutches long enough for your initial charm to wear off they’re probably wondering how long they’ll have to stay to keep you happy.
I can’t give you any of the things you truly need, and I never could. Anything you need now has to come from within. It is all in there, I wish you'd manifest the desire to find it.
Through everything, you did bestow on me one true gift, and it was the only gift you didn’t know you gave; I know I never want to be you. I will never let my love of storytelling blow out into slanderous lies. I will never let my need of approval and love become a grim competition with anyone else in the life of my friends or partner. I will never let my partiality for fun and pleasure tip me into a life of complete excess. I will never forget the value of things; whether those things be material like food and clothes, or intangible ideas like love, friendship and trust. I will never again not try because I am scared of failing.
I’ll never forget you.
Or let you back inside my house.
Happy 25th birthday.
I was such a soft touch
You solved your problems with a pout
I’ll never forget you
Or let you back inside my house.
You misread me.
-Bookmark The Guild League
I suppose it can’t be helped. I’ll always remember your birthday, because it is exactly two weeks before mine.
What I would give you if I could: a sense of worth (both your own and other people’s), a sense of proportion, a sense of duty, a sense of dignity, a sense of shame, a wish for fulfilment, a wish for help, the ability to ask for the help you actually need as opposed to the help you want, a wish to compensate for the pain you caused, the ability to recognise the pain you caused, the ability to live your actual life as opposed to the fantasy life in your head, courage.
The more I think about life the more I’m convinced that this is it, as far as this plane of consciousness goes. I don’t think there is reincarnation, or if so not in the straightforward form usually thought of, rather more a gathering of conscious into a life, not always exactly the same conscious that may have previously made up a life. Nor do I think we retain this level of consiousness in any afterlife that may exist, I'm not sure whether consiousness increases or decreases or does something completley different, but I can't see how it could stay the same. Anyway, I digress (I’m good at that). My point is, if this is all there is on this level, you are squandering your time. Instead of making this life the most beautiful and exquisite you could for yourself and for your fellow humans you are ripping it down, locking yourself in a cage and watching jealously those with the courage to walk free. Your jealousy means that if it's in your power you try to rip down not only your own life but the lives of those who come in contact with you. Because you refuse to leave your cage you don’t gain what those outside cages gain; the ability to achieve fulfilment. You think it provides protection when it actually locks you into your own personal hell and makes it easier for your nightmares of being alone and unattended and unwanted to get in. You have the ultimate fear of failure that stops you trying so you can say that had you tried you would have succeeded, you fear failing at life.
I hope you’ve quit smoking.
I hope you’ve cut down on drinking.
I hope you’ve stopped eating so much junk food.
I hope you’re getting more exercise.
I hope you’ve faced up to your actions.
I hope you’re currently working to repay at least the financial pain you caused.
While I hope this I can see you in my mind, on your verandah, a cigarette in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, some chips or pies on the table, in a comfortable chair, loudly denouncing me and those I love to whoever it is you’ve currently managed to con. Either that or you’ve moved on to another imaginary crisis you’re using to make your “friend” stay loyal, because deep down you fear that without your imaginary crises you just don’t have the skills any longer to hold someone’s interest in a friendship. They’re probably sitting there quite uncomfortable, and if you’ve had them in your clutches long enough for your initial charm to wear off they’re probably wondering how long they’ll have to stay to keep you happy.
I can’t give you any of the things you truly need, and I never could. Anything you need now has to come from within. It is all in there, I wish you'd manifest the desire to find it.
Through everything, you did bestow on me one true gift, and it was the only gift you didn’t know you gave; I know I never want to be you. I will never let my love of storytelling blow out into slanderous lies. I will never let my need of approval and love become a grim competition with anyone else in the life of my friends or partner. I will never let my partiality for fun and pleasure tip me into a life of complete excess. I will never forget the value of things; whether those things be material like food and clothes, or intangible ideas like love, friendship and trust. I will never again not try because I am scared of failing.
I’ll never forget you.
Or let you back inside my house.
Happy 25th birthday.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 12:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 10:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 01:35 am (UTC)You've no idea...
Actually that website comforted me in a way, because so many other people have fallen for similar people. I was especially struck by the woman who had had her life wrecked by another woman and her fake pregnancies...
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 02:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 03:22 am (UTC)And remember, this post is written after a year of professional therapy. I doubt I could be this cohearant and open and aware and calm were it not for the counseling. It's come at a high price, and not just financially.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 03:41 am (UTC)Even with the therapy, you are a much more open and forgiving person than I think I could be in the same situation.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 04:53 am (UTC)But forgiveness? No, I can't honestly say that.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 05:02 am (UTC)What harm's really been done that can't be healed?
What has Eliza really gained; for all the pain she's brought on herself?
So.... What really is there to forgive?
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 05:25 am (UTC)It takes time.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 05:38 am (UTC)Worry not.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 04:52 am (UTC)I heard those lyrics and instantly thought of her.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 04:58 am (UTC)I find that really sad, for the people like that (there is no way on earth you can convince me that Eliza was ever happy, even when things were going well by her standards) and for those like us who get caught up in the show.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 04:59 am (UTC)I have too many of my own problems to care about to give a whit about hers.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 05:09 am (UTC)I am still struggling with the fact that for many years she was one of the people I felt I had to care about and for. It's hard to turn that around, especially now when the energy and will she'd destroyed in me have been replenished (with the help of your good self among others) and I would have the energy to give the level of care I gave her, at least for a while. I know it would make things worse, and I know that more importantly I don't want to, but I'd been brainwashed for so long into thinking I should that it's hard to deal with sometimes. She'd manipulated me into remaining her friend for at least six months during which I'd activley disliked her, and then once she was dating Seamus I didn't want to lose him so continued to keep up appearances.
When she left it was like waking up from a nightmare, then I was thrust straight into another nightmare as I dealt with the devastation left in her wake, and I'm not just talking about other people here, I mean my own mental devastation. I think over the past few months I've come round to a point where peace with the situation (but not with her- never with her) is possible. And this is good. This is enough.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-28 07:36 am (UTC)